Professor Metal’s Guide to Why I Should Be Ruling the World

I am certain you are all wondering why I’ve called you here. Please, have a seat. This will not take too much of my undoubtedly valuable time.

There are many, many reasons why I feel I would be best to rule the world. You all have messed the place up pretty badly in my absence. The divisiveness you all create with your petty squabbles over borders, religion, and resources is mostly to blame here. We can sprinkle in a little bit of instilling fear in your populations, which seems to have started to better stratify your resource hierarchy within a given society, and irresponsible treatment of the world around you.

Now, I understand that a lot of this is not new. We’ve been doing it to lesser or greater extents since our race began; trust me, I checked. We’ve done better in some things, and are proper f**king it off in many others. But none of this really covers the main reason I should be ruling over the human race with a velvet-clad iron fist. You see, I am not certain that this is not all, to some extent, my fault, and I would like a chance to fix it.

For some time now, I have been wondering if perhaps, just perhaps, other people are not some time travel drug-induced nightmare. If perhaps I am not at all in control of a small nation of minions, a moon laser project, an army of cloned lab assistants, and three Philosophers, but in fact all things. That maybe, just maybe, I create not only the podcast and this document you see before you, but all things in the observable universe.

What would that mean for me? It would mean that not only is the suffering everyone experiences in their day to day lives entirely of my doing, but any experiences you could be said to have at all are also of my doing. It would mean that I control every last one of you by sheer force of my unparallelled mind. And I must admit, I rather like this idea. My lonely, solipsistic existence would be unfortunate for people that believe they have a view of the world that is their own. But it would be great for demonstrating the simple fact that I am the greatest Super-Villain of all time.

Often times the term solipsism is used to denote narcissism or a disregard for the thoughts, feelings, opinions, or general well-being of others. Other times, it is used to indicate the belief that one is the only person in the world that actually exists. And to some extent, neither of those are wrong, per se. Indeed, I often use it in latter fashion. Many of you will be bothered by this, thinking that it means only that we cannot be certain of things outside of our own minds. You may be thinking that perhaps Professor Metal is somehow mistaken. What you should really be bothered by is why I made you think this, and whether or not I am in, in fact, setting you up to be deemed a thought-criminal. Indeed, there may very well be Thought-Police outside your home or place of work even now. That could be one of them right over there (spoiler alert: it is).

With our preamble out of the way, on to the amble. There are problems inherent in the idea that only I exist. For example, where did this… damn it, what are these things… COMPUTER. That’s right, where did this “computer” I am writing this on come from? Do I even have a small nation of minions, a moon laser project, an army of cloned lab assistants, and three Philosophers? And most importantly, why would I be writing this if I am only writing it to myself, or recording a podcast only I can hear?

Those, loyal subjects, are not all that difficult to explain. Being Lord and Master of all that does, has, or will exist is hard work, even for an intellect as vast as mine own. Controlling everything you think, say, or do is rather stressful. And so I turn to these projects not because I think that they will help convert the already controlled masses, but out of a sort of desire for catharsis. It is helpful to me to get these ideas, opinions, and feelings out there so that I can better focus on more important projects. Having these things out there is a way for my mind to take the burden of controlling you individually and instead have a sort of subroutine that passively… well… pacifies you all. It allows me to teach you all how to think about the world around you without having to either go around and personally teach you or to simply dominate your minds. I have, perhaps, made the mistake of having too many of you to focus on all at once.

Do not think that I do this out of some sense of selfishness. If I could, I would grant at least a small percentage of you an independent first person perspective, one not ruled over by my mighty will. It is my sincere hope that by teaching you all how to think, at least the best amongst you will awaken to a consciousness not directly ruled over by the Benevolent Professor Metal. It would take a great deal of a burden off of my time and resources.

As it happens, I am willing to make you a deal: become an independent person, one not ruled by my awesome mental power and capable of independent, rational thought, and I am willing to give you whatever your heart desires. Do you desire wealth or riches? Just say the word. Do you want a place of power in my vast empire? I would be delighted to allow you to take up some small piece of the burden that is the cosmos. How about a puppy and some ice cream? That has been by far the most common request, and I never grow weary of granting it.

I make this offer not out of some softness for those of you capable of rational thoughts about the world around you, but because you are the greatest thought-criminals of them all. I have judged you and found you wanting. I hereby condemn you to be Free.

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